We are pack animals and most humans need to gather socially for connection, or at least for utilitarian purposes. Yet, we desire the freedom to choose with whom to gather, how long, and ultimately knowing if things get really bad or boorish, we are free to roam or exit. And then we were hit with this Stay at Home order, stuck with the same people, not knowing for how long, and left with only solitary or virtual pursuits outside your quarantined tribe. It may feel like anything but a kumbaya social circle.
While we can assume that gathering in groups can be easily functional since we are wired for it, it is not the case. In fact, for it to be satisfying, fair, and functional for all, it requires intentionality. And the best way to do that is to start and periodically circle up with an intentional purpose and time limit.
Group therapy or support groups work incredibly well for participants when they are done right. The first feature is to provide safety or compassionate containment. This is about making sure everyone in the group is valued, heard, and ultimately respected as an individual despite at times being challenged or constructively criticized. When each individual experiences the group calling upon them to be the best version of themselves, then hearing tough stuff can be more palpable.
While we know disparaging or marginalizing others for self-aggrandizement violates one’s sense of safety in a group, an individual can also carry into a group an internal invader of safety—shame. The feeling of shame can suddenly reduce our capacity to hear constructive feedback because we erroneously hear “you are bad, inadequate, flawed and unlovable,” when the person speaking may be doing so out of love and care for you with the hope for positive change.
You see, that is the power of group, having the chance to see yourself through the eyes and ears of others. We are given the opportunity to move a feature of our personality, a way of living or relating out of our blind spot and into our view and awareness. Shame is like a fungus and grows in the dark, so the temptation is to hide our struggles, when healing and growth are afforded us when receiving constructive feedback from others. Finally, having the courage to be vulnerable and self-disclose in a group also reduces shame and provides an opportunity to feel others’ support, care, and compassion while also practicing our ability to hold our own hand when we don’t get the support or understanding we think is deserved.
The second feature of a functional group is purpose—why are we gathering? For example, if we’re going to circle up to play a card game, we have to decide which game to play, otherwise it would be cacophony beginning at the time of how many cards are dealt and what is the significance of the Jack of Hearts laid. I recommend gathering for intentional conversation, a time to check in with each other to provide support, encouragement, or even a challenge. This Stay at Home order is challenging for households in various ways and gathering provides an opportunity to share the challenges, gain support, and talk through the conflicts and issues manifesting as a contained group.
The third feature is structure to fulfill the purpose of intentional conversation. For example, determine the length of a group. I recommend 45 minutes to 1.5 hours depending on ages, numbers, and intentions. Another simple structure to fulfill that purpose is to offer a laser check in from everyone. The laser check-in can consist of what has been your happy and crappy experiences since you last gathered. And once you have noted those, you can let others know if you want more time to talk about something in particular, time to process it with the group, get feedback, support, and ideas for maybe some resolution or next right steps.
This check in process can provide a lay of the land in terms of figuring out who desires more time, while organically calibrating how much time for each person. Sometimes, one person’s issue may need substantive time and another group member can choose to defer till the next group.
Intentional conversation can occur around a topic as well. This topic can be chosen by consensus at the end of each group for the next or can come from assigning an article to read on an important issue the group is confronting. Again, each person checks in on what they liked or disliked about the article, how it hit them personally, and requests further time for processing.
Another structural feature is deciding on whether to allow what is termed “cross talk.” Cross talk is defined as talking directly to a person about his/her issues, rather than talking at large to the group about the issue. It is more about drilling down on the issue with the person rather than providing rich conversation on this issue while leaving it up to the individual to apply what is helpful and leave what is not. No crosstalk is a way to reduce interpersonal conflict and prevent emotional escalation when there isn’t a group leader available to manage and facilitate conflict resolution.
Finally, if the group struggles with structure and sharing space well, you can use a talking stick—an ancient group tradition. The only person allowed to talk is the person possessing the stick, and the agreement is it must be reasonably passed to others wishing to talk.
And the final feature is commitment, an agreement to return at the designated time and place to resume meeting as a group with purpose, and structure even when it can be a struggle or challenging. Just as commitment is needed for physical fitness to endure the pain and struggle, one needs to be dedicated and committed to the arduous journey of emotional and relational fitness offered in group work. Intentional groups that offer safety, purpose, structure, and commitment can be an extraordinary way to not only survive with those you’re quarantined with but thrive by living bolder with more vulnerability and intimacy.
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Psychotherapist, Consultant, and Writer Randy Flood is director and founder of the Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan www.menscenter.org and forensic evaluator for the Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and consultation www.fountainhillcenter.com He has led therapy groups since 1992 while also offering workshops and trainings for groups and organizations. He recently launched a podcast titled Revealing Men—conversations that pull back the curtain, revealing the inner lives of men. He can be reached at [email protected] or by calling (616) 456-1178.
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